Olympics with a difference

It's impossible to miss a certain sporting event coming along this Summer.....yes the 2012 Olympics, closely to be followed by the Paralympics.

As a parent of a neurotypical child and a child with a disability I look forward to both events very much - they provide lots of opportunity to enjoy celebrating human endeavour and achievement & discuss winning, losing, doing your best, overcoming obstacles, being different, being exceptional etc with my children. 

But I did indulge in an idle daydream about what an Olympics would look like with events geared towards the Autistic Spectrum Disorder..............perhaps other parents of autism may recognise some of these:

1) the 100m dash - for parents of "bolters" (those autistic children with a propensity to simply run) - there will be no track and parents will be expected to both run at speed (probably in unsuitable clothing and carrying bags) but also to predict the required direction of travel.  The starting "pistol" will be a very high or low frequency sound not usually audible to those with typical sensitivity to sound - this adds an additional element of skill as the children will set off according to their own sound sensitivity at different times.

2) Long jump - competitors will be those children whose sensory needs do not mean that they are highly avoidant of the horrendous feel of the sand OR whose sensory needs do not mean that they will require on average 2.5 hours to sit in the sandpit running their hands through the sand.  In the event that there are fewer than 4 eligible competitors, the three medals will be handed out on the basis of height.  Don't argue - it makes sense if you are autistic (children will be stood on the podia so that their heights are as close to equal as possible taking into account the different height platforms)

3) Swimming - individual events will include the time trial (competitors must successfully persuade their child to leave the water and get dressed inside a 120 minute time limit - as with showjumping, time penalties will be added for each "refusal") and synchronised bubble blowing and squealing.

4) New event: Speed event - competitors must correctly identify what their child wants and deliver said item from an infinite menu before child erupts into frustration meltdown (*nb organisers recognise that due to the specific nature of ASD  & lack of theory of mind, such children often cannot understand that their parents do not simply know what they want and therefore many competitors will be disqualified as their child will have had a meltdown before even attempting to verbally or otherwise communicate their need - in which case default criteria applies and any parent who survives the event without crying/locking themselves in athlete portaloo wins a medal)

EVENT QUALIFYING CRITERIA:
Endurance events- you parent a child with autism, thus you are disqualified from the Olympic endurance events by reason of your professional status.

Drugs: Competitors will be screened but the following will be ignored- if it's legal and helps you and your GP is happy with it - it's fine by us. 

We recommend that all competitors take multi vitamins as malnutrition is found so commonly among competitors in this category.
Please note that NO competitors will be required to attend the visually stunning, aurally overpowering opening ceremony.  Why would we DO that???

See you on the podium!